and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
