R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
