Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
