i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
