Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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