I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
