Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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