Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
so much tequila, so little girl.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
