Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
