I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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