I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
