I can feel you judging me through the phone.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
