Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
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