Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
