'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
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