It's Friday. Sex?
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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