My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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