Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize
