woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
