morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
