so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
