I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Randomize
