yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
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How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
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Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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