I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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