my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
