Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
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