Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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