I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
