One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
