So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
