How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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