My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
