I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
