They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
you never un-have a 4some
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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