I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
