all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
