How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
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Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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