Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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