My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
