i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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