i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
