What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
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i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
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