I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
