I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
