tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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