bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
