It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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