I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
