FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
