whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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