he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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