He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Randomize
