i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
