I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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