my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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