I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
